Hey
It's the second Thursday.
So I really should be going down to Spite at the Devonshire Arms to get my face known to any Terrorizer scribes who might be in attendance.
They should be in attendance, given that it is their own regular night and all.
I could also be going to Melt Banana, but I think I'll go to their show on the 20th instead.
In any case, I need to wash some clothes before I go anywhere.
I'm still feeling lethargic.
Some people might say that it is Seasonal Affective Disorder.
What they forget is that I moved away from Australia because the soaring temperatures and humidity were killing me. Not to mention that I really don't like UV.
Elea is back in Australia.
Dad is back in Australia.
I've got to leave, I'm out of time.
J
So I really should be going down to Spite at the Devonshire Arms to get my face known to any Terrorizer scribes who might be in attendance.
They should be in attendance, given that it is their own regular night and all.
I could also be going to Melt Banana, but I think I'll go to their show on the 20th instead.
In any case, I need to wash some clothes before I go anywhere.
I'm still feeling lethargic.
Some people might say that it is Seasonal Affective Disorder.
What they forget is that I moved away from Australia because the soaring temperatures and humidity were killing me. Not to mention that I really don't like UV.
Elea is back in Australia.
Dad is back in Australia.
I've got to leave, I'm out of time.
J
posted by the.exile at 7:13 pm
2 Comments:
Hi Jason,
I just want to leave a quick comment, let you know I've read your posts for November.
You really need some ongoing, positive feedback from a good friend.
You may well need a girlfriend who isn't needy, but interested in giving you the reassurances you need.
It's rough, I sympathize.
I went through a divorce - not my idea, a real shock and a trauma - and lived, as a result, in an unreal world for over two years.
I'm convinced loneliness - not that you can't be alone (of course you can) and, of course, you can cope and sometimes prefer being alone - but not having someone to smile at you and give you positive feedback - that's very rough on the psyche.
My husband is great. If I start thinking my ideas or feelings are wacko, he reassures me, usually telling me that he thinks everyone has those thoughts/feelings.
My thought - and this is going to be "woo-woo" and if I told you this before, just put the repetition down to senility - is that your depression is not a function of dysfunction or anything being "wrong" with you.
I think you're a creative/artist/thinker - you feel your feelings and know what they are - and I think the energies of the world are just playing hell with you.
There are very depressing "vibes" - if you will - all around us.
I won't go into my wacko theories - I'll spare you - typical New Age without the crystals - but I know I'm very affected - much more so - by everything around me.
People think I'm crazy when I tell them this, but after I saw Dances With Wolves, I was ill for 3 days.
It was as though I had gone through the experience of the Indian trauma - I felt as though I had been traumatized.
I know few people react to movies, etc. as I do. I simply can't watch certain things because I feel as though I'm being, literally, poisoned.
The world is shrouded in negativity these days. I think you're absorbing it. Maybe you've been absorbing it since you were a kid.
You chide yourself and try to lift yourself up, but those energies are very strong and they drag you right down again.
Some very sensitive people wind up taking drugs to blot it all out and create false euphoria.
I think you should be congratulating yourself for coping with these miserable feelings all these years.
You didn't run to a needle. You haven't committed suicide to escape.
You're brave enough to keep on trying.
As far as a long-term solution to lifting your energies and mood above a point where it can't be pulled back down again, I don't know a way around it other than a spiritual path. (And that certainly doesn't have to be Christianity. Shamanism works well for some guys.)
I use prayer and meditation. Meditation really helps clear the junk - the depressing stimuli - out of the nervous system. Chanting is amazing.
You want to try an experiment, stand in the middle of the room and chant the sound HU (like Hugh)loudly for fifteen minutes. It makes me feel pretty euphoric. Music and dancing - as you know - also great lifters.
You, intuitively, understand some of this I think, by your comment that maybe music doesn't allow the negative to get in.
BINGO. The job is to replace the negative that's coming at you with positive. Given the state of the world, it's a full time job. That's proabably why you're so exhausted.
Yeah, yeah you're probably thinking: Why wasn't I made one of those big brawny brainless types that's totally out of touch with all this? Someone with a psyche like lead that actually gets off on the negativity?
Not part of your life's plan, m'boy. You would hate to be that boring.
Oh - about this you wrote about people being able to read you? -
No, the shock was that it was close enough to the surface that someone else could tell.
That happened to me, too.
When you put on that "normal" face and think you're fooling everyone it is a shock to realize we're broadcasting who we are and how we feel and the perceptive can pick it up in a heartbeat.
Anyway, your sensitivity has to be for a purpose - at least I believe so - you aren't made as you are out of whim.
A lot of people, I'm sure, feel as you do, but they can't express it.
One thing Woody Allen did was allow people to see themselves in him and laugh - instead of panic.
FYI on what's with me, I've been sick and am still recovering, possibly as a reaction to Marlowe's death.
I couldn't stand being without Marlowe, so we adopted a beautiful golden kitten from the pound that's 3 months old.
He's big and furry and soft and purrs like a maniac. He rushes at our feet and dashes around and he has been, appropriately, named Hobbes.
Well, this is another epistle.
Take care.
Clyo
Thanks Clyo.
I did actually dance like a maniac last night at Sick and Twisted, thanks to my friend Alex playing some insane Breakcore for about an hour or two straight.
I might do some of the meditation. (the chanting might be a bit hard since I live in a crowded block of flats).
Cheers,
J
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